Boundaries Get a Bad Rap

Boundaries are a hot topic these days.

It seems so straightforward. You set the guidelines for the boundary and move on. No big deal, right? Then why is setting a boundary challenging and potentially anxiety-filled? This is particularly true for women. We would prefer to run ourselves ragged, stifle our feelings, and bend over backward to accommodate the people around us, than say NO. The list goes on to include, our parents, partners, siblings, coworkers, friends, neighbors, or the sister of a friend’s cousin who was visiting; you get the idea. Before your eyes go wide and you think about all the ways it might upset the apple cart, take a deep breath. Yes, exhale.

 Time Boundaries

The boundary of time holds a special place in my heart these days. I’m not sure if it was because I was a middle child or if my resilience made me a perfect candidate. But I have spent a significant amount of my life trying to do it all. I focused on everyone and everything, but me. I didn’t even wait to be asked for help, I volunteered. There were times I probably contributed to making a mountain out of a molehill in my quest “to do all the things”. If I thought someone needed me, I was there. I spread myself thin to maximize my support net to anyone around me. The mere idea of saying NO or being unavailable was more stressful than taking the time and energy to just do what needed to be done.

 Have you ever had this experience?

 Time boundaries are how we hold space for ourselves. Our lives are busy and it’s important that we carve out healthy times for all our parts. This includes our personal life, family, work, social life or whatever we desire in our day. If we do this, it’s supposed to keep our cup full. We create a deep personal awareness, respect, and the ability to show up for us like we do for others. We are accountable for how we spend our time, but not for others’ time. If we balance this mutual understanding, it supports fortifying boundaries.

 Some examples of time boundaries:

 I’m not available to take this work home for the weekend.

 I currently have a full calendar that day.

 I need some time alone.

 I can’t make it to (function, party, gathering).

 I won’t be able to volunteer for (x,y,z).

 NO.

 How Do We Create Boundaries?

 We’ve all heard the buzz about time as non-renewable resource. We are told to enjoy the present, do less, experience more, and of course have no regrets in the process. But for many, until we are faced with the stiff reality that our time may be cut shorter than we anticipated, we hold time as a commodity to be traded. In the past I was on the cusp of living this. But I could never show up for myself regarding time boundaries. That was until I had an unexpected diagnosis that called my future into question. Life got very real.  I began to evaluate how I was living my life, how I wanted to live my life, and what I needed to do to get there. One of the things that kept surfacing for me over and over was, you guessed it, boundaries. It’s easy for me to say now, but how does one recognize, create, and execute a boundary?

1.     Be your authentic self. This means understanding your needs and limits. Your boundaries don’t need to be anyone’s business. They only need to resonate to you.

2.     Take the time to do some self-discovery on what your priorities are (for yourself) and what may be standing in the way. You are the expert in your journey.

3.     You are your best advocate. Hold yourself accountable for how you spend your time.

4.     Pause before saying yes to think about the consequences of your answer. Breath in and exhale.  Remember No is a complete sentence.

5.     Communicate clearly. Don’t feel that you need to make excuses, apologize, or explain the reason you’re not available.

6.     Let go of the attachment to the boundary. Drop it in and forget about. Don’t get on the assumption train of what the other person “might” be thinking.

7.     Hold your ground. Difficult conversations don’t always have to be hard. You’ve got this!

New Perspectives

We are taught when we are young that boundaries are negative and hold us back. Parents use boundaries as a form of learning and discipline. It continues as we age into other parts of our lives. Boundaries are presented to us in a way that restrict us from moving through our life in the way we desire. Subsequently, boundaries get a bad rap. Consider reframing the perspective. Think of boundaries as a positive impact in your life that will create growth.